Friday, January 19, 2018

inner exploration

I guess everyone has experienced a dialogue with self. For me this dialogue had been between me and the other me.
The other me has been analyzing every move that I have made, every act I did, every thought I had, Over and over again, in an endless loop. And as time passed, the other me got stronger than me.
It's important to know what is the train of thought of this other me since it's the drive for acts, thoughts and words.
Even though I have been raised in a religious system, the other me and me managed to escape this frame. But he kept a strong sense of right and wrong, good and bad, pure binary, that I have tried to change but seems that there is a much stronger problem here.
Gradually, truth got the place of pleasure of me and somehow suppressed feeling/pleasure/ benefits of mine.
If we go one step back, we can start from here, do u explore urself during ur life span or u create urself? Probably the answer is not a strictly a binary answer, and lies somewhere on a spectrum between these two ends. A combination of creation and exploration under the supervision of the other me.
Recently I discovered that the other me, had a great influence on this process, first he has limited my exploring process with binary labels of right and wrong not my pleasure/ feeling. Secondly, in the creation process, all that has been created is based on the same logic. And lastly, he kept feeding me with the delusion of pleasure, he fed me with the sense of self-righteousness (since I am at the truth side, I'm right, I'm good ...) And self-righteousness feeling has an opiodic pleasure, mesmerizing and addictive, heroic and epic as a warrior of truth and being on the right side.
Truth, he sacrificed me in favor of truth. I still can't see the reason for this painful, blinded dedication to the truth.
And I still can't see the reason for leaving me this vulnerable in front of judgments of the other me, without noticing the source, and naiively enjoying the delusion of pleasure.
Now I feel, me, has been suppressed all the time, has been analyzed with a wrong ruler, has been stressed all the time.
But where is the scape? How to scape? How to change?
Don't know!
I even don't know what I like, what I enjoy and who I am. Hardly have even energy/motivation to try something new.
And this dialogue, how to stop the dialogue, or how to change the dialogue, or how to be kinder to me.
And I feel I missed all this year's so far and I don't know myself at all.

No comments: